A 500 Hour Milestone

Even before the state of North Carolina required 60 hours of driving with a parent before a teenager can get their driver’s license, Mark Wilson had a different standard - one hundred hours behind the wheel. Mark and I have supervised each of our five children and together have logged over 500 hours. Today, our youngest child got her license. This rite of passage didn’t seem quite right as there was no road test due to the pandemic. She will get to do that on another day.

Sitting in the passenger seat as a child learns to drive brings up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. How did he/she get here so fast? Are my nerves going to make it through this stage of parenthood? Should we consider getting one of those Driver’s Ed cars that has a brake on the passenger side?? This position has also allowed me lots and lots of mindfulness and breathing practice. And more than one heated parent/child exchange…

Though it is often a logistical relief to have a teenager who can drive, it is also a big lesson in letting go. As we send this last teen driver out into the streets on her own, I will practice deep breathing and prayer as I wait at home for her to return. I would love to hear your experience and stories of teaching someone to drive.

Dear White People

Dear white people,

I invite you to a conversation. I write to make sense of my own thoughts. Nothing I will say here is unique or hasn’t been expressed in many different places. This is a space where I can think, feel, and write my way to my own response to the Black Lives Matter movement.

I have read many books and listened to podcasts that point out that the idea of “whiteness” is a social construct. At different times in our country’s history, Irish, Italian, and Jewish people have been labeled as “non-white.” And even though whiteness is made up, it is a powerful construct that offers privilege to a select group. Racism in our country is much more about the powerful systems that benefit white people and work against people of color than it is about individual acts of prejudice. Many of us try to make ourselves feel better because we don’t look closely at the former and don’t regularly participate in the latter. But we all are a part of the systems that inform our American way of life.

One message that I have heard loud and clear in recent days is that when white people call on Black people to help us understand our racism and what we can “do” about it, it is exhausting for my friends of color. The group that is oppressed and experiencing deep pain should not be called upon to explain things to those of us who are in a position of privilege. I want to avoid causing further pain when possible, so I invite my white friends to this conversation.

I have recently read the book White Fragility by Robin Diangelo to teach and remind me of the ways that I contribute to the racist systems that exist in our country. I am slowly reading through My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem (there is also a recent On Being podcast interview with him) which addresses how we all carry racial trauma in our bodies and what to do about that. Once a month I zoom with a group of people to both practice listening to what my body has to say and to discuss the ways that I personally participate in racism. White and Black members meet together for a short time and then we divide up to have safe places to tackle our own experiences.

This may seem counterintuitive, but I believe that the first step to becoming anti-racist is for me to admit to and catch myself having racist responses. I am paying attention to my thoughts and feelings as I encounter various people of color. Recently, I was on a bike ride and saw two Black men carrying what looked like big sticks up ahead. My body tensed up and I envisioned an attack. As I got closer, I realized that they were carrying fishing poles. We exchanged a greeting and went on our ways. It is important that I notice when my body and mind have racist reactions. Only then can I engage in healthy and healing self talk and move toward more authentic responses.

I would love to hear what your thoughts and practices are in the midst of these Black Lives Matter days. I invite my fellow white people to start noticing and sharing with each other as we own our parts in racist systems. Hopefully we can then move forward to address these inequities.