FEAR in Parenting and Politics

I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a statement by my friend Tom Revak – “Fear is the ultimate cancer in any relationship.” It resonated with me and seems to be a descriptor of so much that I am observing and feeling these days.

Last night I was sitting at a restaurant with my two girls. For some reason the topic of grounding as a discipline method came up.  One of my girls asked a very astute question. “Mom, with kids, does it work better to scare them with a punishment or is it better to get them to do things because of a good relationship?” She doesn't consciously know this, but that question pretty much sums up one of the core paradigm shifts for me as a parent.

As is often the case these days, I had to begin my answer with this formula: “With your brothers, I did “x,” but now I believe it is better to do “y.“ So I answered her honestly, “Well I have tried both. With your brothers, I used a lot more punishment, but with you, I have come to believe that a strong, connected relationship is a healthier and more effective way to go.” She asked a follow-up question. “Would you ever ground me?” This led to a discussion on natural consequences and when grounding might fall in this category.

As I look at the weekend headlines, instilling fear toward people seems to be one tactic of our new president, particularly on the topic of refugees and others of Muslim faith. Trump’s argument for an immediate immigration freeze from a number of Middle East countries (with the very suspicious absence of several countries that have in fact been a source for terrorists BUT also are places where Trump has significant business investments) is full of scare mongering rhetoric. He appeals to our base level fears of protection and survival.

Unless we are of Native American descent, we are all from a line of refugees and foreigners from “other places.” Over and over and over again, within the Christian scriptures is the call to care for orphans, widows, and foreigners, aka strangers or refugees. They are portrayed as the most vulnerable within society. I feel sad and angry that many of the loudest religious voices in our country are silent or dismissive of this call. Thankfully, others are speaking up.

I agree with my friend Tom that “fear is the ultimate cancer in any relationship.” It is true in the parent/child arena as well as any other human interaction. We can shift the fear dynamic as we take time to listen to the stories and dreams of people different from ourselves. We can transform a relationship within our family when we do the same. When any authority figure uses fear tactics to try and control or dominate, relationships suffer.

As both a parent and a political being in today’s world, one of my go to verses is this one from I John: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” Though creating fear is sometimes expedient and effective for a while, it takes a lot more courage and strength to pursue the path of love. I choose love in both parenting and political perspective. I hope that there are many others who desire to join me.

On Inauguration Day

On inauguration day I woke in the wee hours of the morning feeling unsettled and a bit disoriented.

Around 5 AM, I rose and headed to a favorite spot. I lit a candle in the dark. I meditated on “look for beauty.” Several recent instances came to mind, and I wrote them down.

I turned to the quotidian tasks of being mom. As my girls entered the kitchen, I confessed, “I feel melancholy, I feel sad” on this inauguration day.

My daughter stated her oft-repeated sentiment, “I am going to tell my kids I had nothing to do with this election.” Her generation offers me hope.

I sat down and I began to write, because that is my habit and my refuge.

My heart and mind turned toward a planned walk with a neighbor and her baby. Each time I look into the face of this baby girl, hope soars. I returned to the words of an author who spoke out loud my own heart so beautifully.

On inauguration day, the gray and dreary conditions outside echo the melancholy within. It was my turn to drive the carpool today, and so I did. My church is situated along our route and the chimes reverberated just as we passed by.

I stopped at a community gathering spot and got something warm to drink. I headed home, re-lit my candle, and set myself up by the fireplace. Rather than tune into radio or television, I choose quiet and stillness on this day.

On this inauguration day, I grieve, but not without hope. There is much work to do.

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PS I highly recommend the above linked writing by Rachel Held Evans on 2016 and the risk of birth. Lovely.

Finishing strong

Has there ever been a job, pursuit, or role in your life that required you to dig down deep and finish strong? Two current things come to mind for me. I am in the midst of working hard to finish well both a book and the role of active parenting. Obviously, one has higher stakes, but both are often on my heart and mind these days.

Writing a book about my parenting and faith journey requires a great deal of my time and energy. I am a rookie author. I warmed up by creating a blog almost five years ago. But authoring an entire book is a different ball game. After going it alone for a time, I hired a coach who is pushing me to be more honest and vulnerable. He encourages me to dig deeper, and this book will be much better because of our interactions. 

Just like on the field, warm ups in my writing are important.

Huddling up with others is also helpful.

And then we play the game.

Recently through a series of timely and surprising interactions, an opportunity that I have been searching for came to light. In April, I am going to be trained by Circle of Security International – an early intervention program for parents and children. With all of the personal parenting shifts I have made, this offers me a chance to continue to share my story and learning with others. It is very exciting….but there are things that I need to complete before jumping to this next thing – specifically my book.

On the home front of active parenting, this too requires a great deal of my focus, energy, and time. Though at times it is tempting to sit back and “let it roll” at this point in the journey, my daughters deserve better than that. It is hard work to pay attention and be attuned to the needs of my teenage girls . The age of thirteen is not when the majority of the warm fuzzies of parenting take place (possibly the understatement of the century!). This phase requires commitment and at times a dive into the depths of my soul. Sure it would be easiest to let my kids isolate themselves in their rooms with their electronics, but there are important parenting tasks during these days. It will require creativity and sometimes a different approach on my end. I desire to finish strong.

Our early days together. I had so very much to learn.

When I am weary and exhausted as a mom, I use the same strategy I take as an author. I ask others to come alongside and share the journey. I am reading and discussing the book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood with fellow moms. I talk to friends who have traveled this road before me as well as those who are right in the thick of parenting teens. I access the professionals within my network and get feedback on healthy relationships.

It seems that the key to finishing strong is to realize that “I am not alone.” I am grateful for all those who come alongside as I walk various paths. How about you? Is there something you hope to finish strong? What have you found most encourages you when motivation wanes? I’d love to hear from you.

PS  As I wrote this, I looked back over our family's story in photographs. This also motivates me to dig deep, do the hard work, and finish strong. Here are a few motivators:

Focus Power

Becky Bailey and her life changing work called Conscious Discipline was the first place I let this idea sink into my soul. “What you focus on, you get more of.” I have fond memories of Bailey acting out a scene that certainly happened in my own home on numerous occasions: “Stop hitting. Stop hitting. STOP HITTING!!” screamed by an out of control parent. She pointed out that in that exchange, the focus on hitting is what stays with a child. With intention, focus, and practice, I learned to say things like this: “Keep your hands on your body” Same message, different focus.

This same dynamic is true as I seek to change less than functional characteristics about myself. Crossing the threshold of a new year offers up the hope of a change in focus. I used to set grandiose goals and burn out by February. Since 2013, I have shifted the way that I seek to make change.

For each year, I choose a word or a short phrase that represents the desired shift I hope to see in my life. In 2013 and 2014, I chose the words presence and playful. After focusing on just one word per year, I did see a shift in how present I am in the moments. My posture toward my children during lots of everyday interactions did become more playful. In 2015, I chose “reflect, don’t fix” as I attempted to have healthier interactions with others, especially my kids, in the midst of their upsets and discomforts. Last year, I chose “light more candles” and I now indeed literally light more candles. In addition, the theme of darkness and light came into my consciousness over and over throughout the year.

I can’t explain how this works, but I can testify that choosing a focus and making it an intentional part of my life does shift my thoughts and behavior. I am proof of “what you focus on, you get more of.” It is an ever so subtle, gentle, and incremental process.

I have considered several possibilities for this year: curiosity and kindness made the list of contenders. But I settled on another three-word phrase. Look for beauty. In the past year, it has not been difficult for me to see ugly. That won’t change, I am sure. But I also want to seek out and participate in that which displays beauty.

As is my habit, I have changed several account passwords that I regularly use to reflect this year’s focus. I have shifted a gratitude journal to a “looking for beauty” journal and have begun to log those experiences. From the inside of a red cabbage to music during shavasana at the end of yoga to the snow falling outside my window to a sticker on the bag in which I carried home fragrant spices, beauty is all around. I imagine that this focus will surprise me and show up in unexpected places.

How about you? Do you have a new year focus? I would love to hear about it.

Mama Sense and Intention

I have been this thing called mother for over twenty-nine years.

Nine days before Christmas, my husband Mark and I packed up weekend necessities along with a few of our fanciest clothes. The destination was Washington DC to meet up with our son and his wife as well as celebrate the marriage of my closest childhood friend’s son. We left our two middle school daughters in the competent care of their grandmom and granddad. 

As I transferred essential items from my oversized “everything a woman and mom might need handbag” into a more practical travel purse, I paused as I touched the insurance cards. A small tingle, akin to spidey sense, whispered to put those cards on top of the weekend instructions awaiting my parents on the kitchen island.

The 275-mile trip from our home to the nation’s capitol is always a bit of smooth sailing along interstate highways mixed with stop and go traffic. This day was no exception. Though my husband most often enjoys driving, he needed to work on the way, so I was the designated driver for a good portion of the trip. We arrived at our destination in about five and a half hours.

We connected with our boy and he showed us around Georgetown University. We had a lovely afternoon as we wandered up and down the quaint streets of Georgetown. I enjoyed sipping chai tea latte in a warm and friendly coffee shop. We headed out to pick up our daughter-in-law from work and anticipated a nice long leisurely dinner together. My cell phone rang, and my mom’s name popped up on the screen.

My stomach lurched. My mama sense went into medium alert mode. My mom very rarely calls when she is in charge of her grandchildren. It seems to be a principle that when we are away, she can handle things at home. She has done so for twenty-nine years… “Trish, we think H has broken her arm. We are heading to the emergency room. We will need to get insurance information.” I took a deep breath and responded, “Mom, I left the girls insurance cards on the kitchen island.”

I filled my husband in, and we quickly decided that after eating dinner, we would head back toward home. Part of having good mama sense includes knowing when dad sense is needed. Despite mild protests to wait and see from my mom, we knew we should head back toward home. We found a restaurant and sat down to eat. There were many phone calls as I relayed medical history and answered all the emergency room questions required to treat our girl. My mom stayed right by her side through it all. The elbow injury required the cutting away of a beloved Under Armour sweatshirt. “Do you know how much that sweatshirt cost?” said my spunky girl who kept her sense of humor throughout a stressful and painful situation.

Comforting words were spoken that it appeared to be a fairly simple fracture of the elbow that would require a cast once swelling reduced. We set out for home. Mark was not entering this weekend well rested, so we decided he would start out and then I would take over when needed. There was an impending forecast for freezing rain, but it seemed that we might be able to beat the system. We agreed that we would stop if the roads got dicey, or if we were too tired to drive safely.

We headed south on I-95, and Mark hit a wall about an hour into our travel. He knew he couldn’t safely drive. The mama bear within roared, and I declared, “Here is what we are going to do. We will stop and get gas, and I will grab some caffeine and snacks. You try to sleep, and I promise I will stop if I get too tired.” I had my first coca cola in ten years, grabbed some trail mix and chocolate, and loaded up several OnBeing podcasts. Krista Tippett and friends kept me company as we rolled down the highway. I was on a mission, and thankfully the caffeine kicked in.

My mom called a few times along the way. She had to access her own mom sense as she communicated with us. Since we were committed to stopping for the night if necessary, they didn’t want to sway that decision. But there was news from the ER doctors that pointed to the fact that this was more complex than a simple break. At one point, as we were about an hour away, she called to say that there were some complications that might lead to a return trip to the ER. I said, “Mom, we are going to drive right by the hospital, so we can meet you there if necessary.” She said she would follow the doctor’s suggestions, use her nursing skills, and do a few things to see if troublesome symptoms could be relieved.

About ten miles from home just as we crossed the county line, freezing rain began to fall from the sky. As we looked toward the other side of the divided highway, we saw vehicles slipping and sliding all over the bridges. I immediately slowed to a crawl. Rolling through red lights and doing all I could to avoid sliding, we crept toward home. I told Mark, “Call my mom and tell her not to move.” Visions of my parents heading out in this crazy weather danced through my head.

I don’t think I have ever been so relieved to arrive at a destination. I checked in with my girl, hugged my mom as I received all of the instructions and concerns of the previous nine hours,  and sent my mom off to bed. I then had the privilege of caring for my girl during a difficult night. She got to tell me her story of seventh grade boys chasing girls and girls chasing boys in pursuit of a snatched cell phone that led to her fall. I held her and repositioned the painful arm over and over throughout the night. Finally, sleep descended for a few hours upon each of us.

The next morning my father spoke words of encouragement. “You and Mark sure do have good instincts about your kids.” I think that was his way of saying, “Thank God you got back when you did!” I have pondered his comment, and the truth is that the road to good instincts is complicated.

This week I find myself pulling from the kitchen cabinet a mug that was gifted to me almost thirty years ago by a dear friend. A bit chipped and scratched up, it displays the words, “new mommy.” My friend and I have grown our mama sense alongside each other over many years. I believe that a portion of good instincts was granted to me at the birth of our first child. But at the same time, my mom sense requires cultivation and attention as it continues to develop through hard work and over many years.

As I navigated the five days since this crazy Friday evening, my mama sense has directed me to be intentional in one particular matter. Self-care. Sleep, healthy food, exercise, and relaxation rituals have risen to the top of my priorities even though this is typically one of the busiest weeks of the year. Many holiday traditions have given way to phone calls, research, forms filled out, surgeon consultations, and second opinions. In the midst of such tasks, I have also done my best to be mindful of the emotional needs of the two children that reside in our home. All of this only happens as I take good care of myself. For me, a self-care focus did not arrive at the birth of my first child. It made itself known after failure and much hard work..

For my daughter, this is not her first surgery rodeo. In many ways, this led to increased anxiety since she knows the drill. We have had many moments of talking, reassuring, and reflecting of feelings big and small. I am invited to be intentional in relationship in the midst of a myriad of details and decisions. This is possible only because I prioritize self-care in the midst of craziness and chaos.

Early this morning, surgery day, sleep eluded me. I got up, turned on the gas fire, curled up in a blanket, and began writing. I then headed to an early morning yoga class. Setting an intention is a critical act when on the yoga mat. Today’s intention was to be a mom who is present to her children. It was coupled with a prayer for peace of mind and healing for my daughter. Then I came home to accompany my girl and my husband to the hospital.

In days ahead as Christmas comes and goes and my girl begins a long recovery, both mama sense and intention are in order. I will do all in my power to make space to care for myself so that I can offer the same to those who are counting on me. I have learned the hard way that this is the only way I want to move through all of the ups and downs of life.

PS We are happy that brother and sister-in-law reinforcements arrive tomorrow morning. We will all be very happy to see them. Blessings to you and your family during this holiday season.